What do you see when you see yourself.....

This may be one of the most difficult blogs I've ever written. It's an immensely sensitive subject, but one that I know other IBD patients face on a daily basis. I want to talk about body image and self esteem. Please don't read this and think that I'm fishing for compliments, or exaggerating about my emotions. I want this to come off as pure honesty. Please see my vulnerability as genuine. Once you are diagnosed with a chronic illness a lot of things change. I always felt that I was a pretty confident person. In high school I was energetic and full of so much life. Of course I had my moments of insecurities, but nothing like today. Not even close. I grew up dancing. A lot of times you'd think that your body image would be distorted because a dancer is supposed to have this perfect, ideal physique. I suppose there were times that I would look at other girls and wish I had their skinny, ballerina thighs. However, I was literally dancing five days a week, and I was in great shape. I never could see myself eating cotton balls, or throwing up in the bathroom. I was more concerned about other teenage topics - especially boys! During college it was difficult because I had gone all those years having my parents take care of me. I gained the freshman fifteen, but always tried to do something physical to stay in shape. The extra weight never bothered me too much. However, my last year in college I fell in a deep depression. I didn't know what I wanted from life, my heart was broken several times, and I didn't love myself. I gained 40 pounds quickly, and almost went into a trance about it. When I looked in the mirror I didn't see a fat person. I was too involved with being unhappy about everything else. When I left college I worked hard to regain my self-esteem. I wanted to feel worthy of life. I began exercising often and focusing on truly loving myself. All of my self. I was in the best shape of my life. When I would go for a run I felt jolts of positive energy through out my entire body. It was amazing. It was amazing that I could look in the mirror and see what I've become. October 2010 I got the news that I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Ok, this is something I can live with, I told myself. I can do my best to carry on with my normal life. I never imagined that so much medication would suck the life out of me. Moving from the bed to the couch, or to the car would be exhausting. I lost a lot of weight from barely being able to eat. My mother would come take care of me, and force me to eat a slice of toast, homemade chicken noodle, or at least one egg. She knew how important it was for me to put nutrients into my body. I easily could have gone weeks with nothing but sips of water. I was so weak I wondered if I could ever be myself again. Could I laugh with my family and be the "crazy" Carly everyone once knew? I was furious as to what Crohn's had done to me. Then I fell in love. When you're in love, you kind of put aside all the bad things you feel about yourself. I had someone telling me I was beautiful. It was enough for me to get by, and not completely dislike myself, just the disease. When the relationship ended I went back into my hole. I was willing to stay there and hibernate….forever. My darkness got the best of me, and I'll never know if that contributed to my flare, but I do know that it didn't help. I was again put on steroids and gained 10 pounds in two days; then an additional 2-3 shortly after that. Prednisone is a terrible drug, but during desperate times you will take anything. My face swelled up, and my stomach bloated. I couldn't fit into any of my clothes. I felt guilty, as if I had let myself go. I would get angry, then the next minute cry at what this disease has done to my soul. I didn't want to see my reflection. I would look at my shadow and think, wow, even my shadow has big thighs. It was life changing. The depression sticks, and it doesn't just fade away once you're off the drugs. It's a challenge that IBD patients deal with constantly. We never know if our pants are going to fit. We never know when the next day will be where the doctor hands over a prescription for more steroids. We never know when our bowels will give up on us, and vanish all the nutrients we need to survive, making us skin and bones. We just hope that we wake up and have enough energy to love ourselves, just for one day. It would be beautiful to look in the mirror and not see a distended, bloated stomach. It would be nice not to focus on my thinning hair from my medication. It would be nice not to feel guilty for being concerned about ones vanity. Gosh, it just would be nice to wake up and truly love the body you've been given; in its entirety. But this is the the way I will live forever….there is hope…and one day there will be a cure. *I would like to thank my fellow Crohnies: Christina and Jeremy. They've always given me the courage to move on each day. Thank you for always thinking I'm beautiful, and understanding the moments when I don't see it.

New Path

I will be 30 after the new year. I know 30 isn't old. It just feels like I will be an official adult, and officially a WOMAN. In my twenties I see myself as a young adult, but when I look in the mirror I see a teenager . I am starting to think that maybe age won't really hit me until I see those wrinkles. I also think my perception of my age stems from my insecurities. I am 29 and living back at home with my parents. I am currently unemployed, and I'm struggling every day to live with my diseases. I don't have a husband, a child, or a booming profession. I always classified those things as adulthood, and womanhood. But lately I've learned that there is no right way to walk into adulthood. Sure there's guidelines that we all follow to be perfect in society: school, hobbies, high school, SATs, college, travel, more college, husband/wife, kids, more kids, big house, nice car, and buy a family dog. But we all know that it's impossible for everyones path to go like that. My path was pretty by the book until after college. A chronic illness like IBD can definitely stop the direction of your path. It definitely did for me. Recently I've been having to deal with my new path. I know this isn't going to be the last, but the first of many. That's life. I didn't want to necessarily be sick, indigent, alone, and have to go back to living at home. It made me feel weak and embarrassed. These past few months I have been so angry at Crohn's. I'm not taking money from my parents, and mooching off their groceries because I think it's a fun, free ride. Every day I wake up and wonder when I'm going to be able to be something again. When will I be able to buy my family dinner? Better yet, the day that I can pay my medical bills without any assistance will be the best day. But right now, I'm still going to blame the disease. I'm also going to rise my fists and say it's not fair. Pity party. I'm trying hard to have a clear vision of my future and what it can be like. In my mind I will factor in Crohn's, but it will not be top on the list. I am extremely grateful to my family for their support. I think when you're experiencing a new path, the people you surround yourself with is VERY important. I can happily say that my mother, stepfather, father, brother, and three sisters (Kyara you ARE my sister), all understand my disease, and understand that I'm struggling. I don't have to give them big explanations as to why I'm not feeling well. They don't try to force me to do anything I'm not up for. It's truly amazing how families work. There's no other love like it. Then there's that amazing Crohnie friend that knows exactly what you're going through. That person can literally relate to everything. I have that special bond with my fellow Crohnie Christina Ray. She's my rock. Where I struggle, is with outside support from strangers, acquaintances, and friends. I'm not wanting any of this to come off like I dislike people or even dislike my friends. Also, saying struggle is not meant in a negative tone. I just want to express all who surround and affect me during my new path. Not everyone knows info about Crohn's Disease or Fibromyalgia. I completely understand that. I had only heard of it once while in college, and even then I still had no clue how it affected a person. So I know it's not easy for someone to have a friend recently diagnosed with this disease, and not understanding what she's going through. You can maybe pull up a Google search and scroll to Webmd.com, but even that info will just give you the Cliff's Notes. It's not going to have a breakdown of an average day for a Crohn's patient (particularly a bad one). It won't tell you that the medication used for Crohn's is a form of chemotherapy, and in some rare cases can cause lymphoma. It doesn't say that your hair can fall out or thin drastically, or that you can develop ulcers all around the anus - feels like chards of glass when you're trying to have a BM. They don't tell you that Crohn's can trigger so many other terrible things, like arthritis, or colon cancer. Sometimes patients like me, end up with 3 conditions: Endometriosis, Crohn's Disease and Fibromyalgia. Crohn's can affect a person from their mouth to their anus. People don't know about the other parts of the body being affected, not just the colon; it involves the skin, joints, eyes, spine, liver, and ulcerating skin. The list goes on. They call this the invisible disease because a person can physically look normal or "healthy." When we're at our sickest and unable to hold in food, people love to say, "oh you're so thin, you look great!" That comment would make a Crohn's patient run in the bathroom and cry. She's probably trying everything in her power to gain weight, and get nutrients into her body. We always get the comments of "well, you don't look sick." The worst is when people tell you they know someone who has irritable bowel syndrome - so not the same thing. Or they like to tell you how they know someone who has Crohn's and is PERFECTLY healthy. Well, good for them. I don't need to hear it. Whoever that person is who is telling you that, is most likely lying. Sure, maybe they are having a good run, but they still have those bad days, and they sure as hell remember the flares like it was yesterday. They also probably didn't want to get into a Crohn's conversation with you. Also, people don't realize that when we say we're not feeling well, we MEAN we're not feeling well. Let it go and don't take it personal. I've never in my life had to cancel so much with friends, doctors, and family since I've had Crohn's. Oh, and if you see that I was out at the zoo with my niece and nephew one day, that doesn't mean I'm cured. Maybe I had a good day, or maybe I had to pop so many pills just to get out of bed. So I was walking around the zoo, thinking the animals were speaking to me. I'm not perfect, and I know other people do make an effort to understand what I'm going through. I do truly, and deeply respect my friends who try their best to understand my bumps in the road. Because hopefully they remember that the other Carly is still there. My soul hasn't died because of this disease. I may not be the fun, loud, obnoxious Carly who likes to shake her booty, at this time. But that girl will come out…..even if it's once in a blue moon, I'm still going to be that girl. So I just hope that people respect my necessities to get through this rough patch, and to voyage onto a new path. I am just done with feeling guilty for being sick. I'm also done explaining myself. If I can accomplish those two things, I think my first few steps are on the right path.

Time to deal

It's been a challenge to begin a new blog entry. Part of me feels the depression of Crohn's had taken over my life, and I couldn't imagine writing a blog that was anything but negative. Who wants to hear someone bitch and complain for paragraphs on end? During this time, I've felt that no one would want to hear it. I mean, in the past I've told myself that these entries would be an outlet for ME. I shouldn't care what other people think, and I should't feel judged. Blogging allows a lot of freedom with writing. However, sometimes the dark days take over and all I worry about is what other people think; even though there are a select few who truly understand and care what I'm going through. I just know that the fastest way to lose friends is to get sick. I don't think that people intentionally disappear from your life. I just think that it's an uncomfortable subject. Most people are used to hearing about their friends relationship problems, or family issues. But most people don't know how to handle a friend whose life consists of bad days, doctors visits, and an immense amount of physical pain. They just simply don't know what to say to them. Plus, I imagine it's difficult to see your friend in a different state. I remember when I was extremely outgoing and energetic. I always wanted to be on the go. I know that person is still somewhere inside of me, but physically it's exhausting trying to be a fraction of that person. I know eventually my medical issues will settle and allow me to be myself again. Right now it's just not happening. No matter how hard I try. If it isn't Crohn's, it's something else. Since February I have been struggling with terrible joint pain. It's been so bad that it's debilitating. After seeing several specialists, even in different states, I've been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Some people may think it's an illness made up in someones head. But it is truly a real disorder and it's not fun. I've been working with doctors to be sure that it's something not relative to my Crohn's. It appears that it has accumulated over time and separate from my IBD. I guess I'm just one of those people who are lucky to have both. Aside from Crohn's symptoms affecting my life, Fibromyalgia has put a huge damper on my social life. The fatigue is endless, and the aching is constant. It's just easier to stay home. But now I have to deal. I have to deal with cards I've been given, once again. I have to deal with reality and not hide out from the world. I'm starting again on this blog in hopes that it will progress as I do with my life. I want to see improvement and changes in my life. I don't want to cast it aside and hide from everyone. I know there will be bad days, and plenty of days where I whine, whine, whine! But my hope is to have more of the positive days where I've defeated the obstacles.

*(photo not taken by me. Found through Google)

The C Word

I woke up from my colonoscopy completely dazed and wondering how my rear would feel. I remember receiving the anesthesia and thinking, “I can’t believe this doctor is entering through my ass.” Little did I know that I would have years to come of several moments like that morning. When I woke up the doctor gave me the diagnosis and handed me a prescription for a thousand pills. Of course there was no discussion as to what to expect while taking these meds. Within the first few days I began noticing that I walked around with a polluted mind. I was so drugged when I had my first follow-up appointment after my colonoscopy. I had so many questions to ask about the medication and disease; however, when I arrived I blew it. I could barely focus, let alone read the list of questions I had written. The doctor and nurses found it amusing that I was so stoned. My mother came to the appointment with me, but still didn’t know much about Crohn’s either. When we left she told me that we would have to begin our own research. I would have to arrive to every appointment with a list of my concerns and demand answers. I had no idea what the plan was after Prednisone. I knew that the steroid seemed to bring down most of the inflammation, but was not a good long term drug. After my first hospital stay the doctor recommended Cimzia. The doctor gave me a brief explanation about the biologic. He was in a panic to administer my first shot. Still being on Prednisone, Bentyl, and Apriso, I agreed to anything. It wasn’t until after my first dose that my family and I began reading the details on Cimzia. The biologic was still fairly new, and the drug seemed to present a lot of hope for Crohn’s. I briefly read over the possible side effects; I agreed to take the medication. With some time I began to realize the impact these drugs would have on my life. I began joining several IBD forums to hear what others had to say. I heard all the positive and negative views on all biologics. Then I began reading comments about lymphoma, hair loss, and liver issues. Ok, so maybe doctors don’t tell you about lymphoma because it’s such a small percentage? Maybe they don’t give you the load of side effects, because they don’t want you to freak out every time you don’t feel well? It wasn’t until my first CCFA seminar that I felt the full reality of this disease. I heard about death rates, lymphoma, colon cancer, and ostomy bags. I realized that the few biologics out there have a caution list the size of Texas. I later moved on to Remicade. Man, did I ever hear horror stories about Remicade. People on the forums either loved the drug or hated it; no one was on the fence. I went along with the routine blood work, and I always crossed my fingers for positive results. Every infusion I went in thinking that it was a piece of cake. I would be tired or flu-ish for a few days, but the pay off would be worth it. Now I am experiencing my recent scare. If I had to compare it to my fistula experience, I’d say it was similar anxiety and panic. No one likes when something bad occurs for the first time and is an unknown symptom. I woke up with an enlarged lymph node in my neck. For over a month I have also been experiencing night sweats. The kind of night sweats where you HAVE to get up and change your clothes. I always feel fatigued: even though my B-12 and vitamin levels are close to normal. Certain days I have hot and cold flashes; however, some days I’m completely normal. You would think I was still taking Prednisone! It was time to call the doctor. At first Amoxicillin seemed like the fastest solution. I was convinced I had mono. After all, the symptoms matched perfectly. The blood work showed I was a carrier of Epstein Barr Virus, but that it was presently dormant. Phew! My specialist in Miami didn’t like me taking the antibiotics because it can trigger a flare. I went ahead and finished my dose and went in for an ultrasound. I felt like death. I almost cancelled the appointment, because I noticed my lymph nodes swelling had gone down. I went ahead with the appointment, because I thought it couldn’t hurt. The ultrasound tech can never tell you what she believes to see, or what she KNOWS she sees. She just kept saying, “Is this the area that it was very swollen? The doctor will probably call you back into the office, just incase.” I left the office a little disturbed. I thought everything was fine. That lady was beating around the bush like no other…just give it to me straight! So then I had the discussion with my nurse: my GI doctor and the radiologist are sending me to an oncologist. I’m sorry, don’t they deal with CANCER?! You can’t be serious? Ok, well clearly this is all a precaution because I’m taking Remicade. Oh no wait…I’m taking Remicade and Imuran. They are two lovely drugs that both can cause lymphoma – just a small percentage (as the doctors say). It’s one thing taking these drugs to help my Crohn’s; however, it’s another taking them for life and having constant scares of its side effects. It sure does feel like one thing after the other. I will have a biopsy this week, unless the oncologist really feels like it needs to be removed, according to the nurse. I am positive that the results will be negative. I just can’t help but to be nervous…just a little. I think it’s time to try those worms!!

Too bad my shit isn't invisible!

People often refer to Crohn’s Disease as the “Invisible Disease.” I couldn’t think of a more perfect nickname. Invisible refers to the internal pain that we deal with daily. People don’t see any dramatic, exterior changes like those who are in a wheelchair, or use a walker daily. I believe that I’ve learned to deal with every day pain. I can probably tolerate pain better than most, mainly because there’s not a day I live without having pain in some form. I do my best to carry on and appear “normal.” People then like to make the assumption that I must be 100% better. The infamous, “you don’t look sick!” “Look, she’s playing with her nephew. She doesn’t look that sick.” “She did her hair and makeup…she must be feeling better.” “It’s all in her head. She seems fine.” “She just needs to be very strict with her diet.” “She needs to just get off all those medications. I know someone who did it, they’re doing great!” The best is when people judge what you eat. When you mention Crohn’s they automatically assume that it’s ALL in the diet. So if they see you take a nibble of something they believe is bad, well, they assume you eat like shit every day! It’s like us Crohnies feel sick because we’re making ourselves feel that way. That’s my favorite: being judged. Invisible means that most of us can carry on with life, work a full-time job, and have a social life. However, for me that requires eminent effort. I have never been able to just jump out of bed. In fact, I can sleep until the cows come home. I will wake up and feel like I’ve never even slept. Most people my age have the energy to climb mountains and party in Vegas. That’s where I struggle. I want so badly to be an average twenty-something, single woman. Before my medication and treatments I was far more outgoing. I was in better, physical shape. Once I began Prednisone, Apriso, Cimzia, Imuran, and Remicade, my energy deflated. Slowly I started watching it decrease. At my age it has an impact on my future. I want more than anything to maintain a career. I want more than anything to have a successful relationship and someday raise children of my own. Some people think they can handle dating a person with Crohn’s, and then later see that it’s not that easy. I know for a fact that my ex-fiancé wanted a more eventful life. He was too young to realistically settle, and my disease was a lot to handle. I did my best to keep up at times. I knew that he secretly felt I would always exaggerate my symptoms. Men like to think we use Crohn’s as an excuse to get out of intimate situations. That’s far from the truth. When I experience pain, there’s nothing I want more than to take it all away. I’d rather be camping in Big Bend, or swimming in the ocean. Trust me. If anyone in the world needs to realize it’s an invisible disease, it’s your partner. The reality is that people don’t know about Crohn’s Disease. It’s not something that comes up in conversation, nor is it studied in the classroom. A lot of people don’t even feel comfortable discussing their disease. Crohn’s isn’t exactly something you can bring up for conversation at dinner. “Can you pass me the beans?” However, it’s not just the physical aspects of Crohn’s that affects our daily lives. Your friends and family may not even realize that Crohn’s causes depression. Depression can definitely be invisible. Some days you’re physically and emotionally drained from having this disease. Some days I get so angry having to deal with pain, and other days I’m just sad. Sometimes I don’t have the energy for anger. It’s easier said than done to take charge of Crohn’s and not let it rule your life. I would like to have a t-shirt for every day that explains how I’m feeling…. Monday: Dehydrated. Dizzy. Weak. Don’t talk to me! Tuesday: Body feels like it’s bathing in needles. Wednesday: Feeling ok…don’t tell me I don’t look sick! Thursday: Lunch didn’t sit well. Don’t talk about food. Friday: My gas will blow you away…literally. Saturday: I can’t party. Sunday: Sunday is not fun-day. Just sayin’…

Double whammy!

Every time I go into the doctor, I have to hear that I’m a difficult patient. I know my doctor has a great sense of humor, but I also know there’s still some truth behind his statement. Now, I live in the Boca Raton area; which means there are A LOT of older, retired people within the community. I have sat in the waiting room and can hear his visits with other (older) patients. I can’t imagine I’m REALLY the worst! Just because I walk into the office with a list of questions, does not mean that I’m difficult. Most of the time I forget to even ask half of them. I feel like they’re always so rushed – I get nervous. I’ve only had this disease for one year. There’s still a lot I can learn. Ok, that spiel was just to preface my recent doctor’s visit. I finally got the approval to proceed with my endometriosis treatment. It was delayed because I developed a perianal fistula. Now that the Remicade has temporarily closed the fistula, I’m ready to party! Me=liar. Anyway, as my doctor said, I’m lucky to have a double whammy! I have both Crohn’s Disease and Endometriosis. I deserve some kind of metal. Maybe this is why I’m a doctor’s worst nightmare – too much to handle?


I will give you a quick Wikipedia definition of Endometriosis: a gynecological medical condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus (endometrium) appear and flourish outside the uterine cavity, most commonly on the ovaries. Anyway, I’ve done my research which suggests that several women out there have both. Endometriosis still isn’t classified as an auto-immune disease, but is identical in physical symptoms. Most patients with Endometriosis experience symptoms similar to Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Crohn’s Disease, Gastritis and other GI issues. This makes it difficult for me to determine which of the two is causing me pain. The profuse pelvic pain is often confusing. At times, it feels as if it could possibly be abdominal pain – which would be my Crohn’s….right? You’d think I would know the difference between the pain in my female organs and my bowels. BUT they are practically neighbors, come on! Before I was diagnosed with Crohn’s, I always blamed my pain on endo (my new abbreviation for endometriosis). I thought it was the only true issue I had. Fatigue, diarrhea, cramps and constipation are side effects of endo as well. So why wouldn’t I think those every day symptoms were nothing more serious?
I had a laparoscopy back in 2008. It was an invasive procedure, but definitely felt like the worst period I’ve ever had. However, it wasn’t until this last year that I’ve noticed my symptoms coming back. It was such a nice relief to have no pelvic pain for close to 3 years. Sadly, endo is like Crohn’s in the sense that there’s really no cure. I could do a million laparoscopies and it would still come back; maybe four months after surgery, or maybe five years. There’s medication out there to slow down the process, such as Lupron Depot that decreases the amount of estrogen your body produces. All right, so what’s another medication? Well, treatments such as Lupron come with a bundle of fun side effects: hot flashes, increased sweating, night sweats, headaches, breast changes, acne, trouble sleeping, and joint/muscle pain. Wow, sign me up! As if my Crohn’s medication wasn’t bad enough. I’m 27 years old and I really don’t feel like going through fake menopause. I can just see myself at 3am running into the kitchen, sticking my head in the freezer. No thank you. I love my mother, but I saw the crap she went through. I am not ready for that. My time will come. For now, give me a break. I already had the mood swings with Prednisone. I want to keep my fiancé, if you catch my drift.
It will be nice to see if there are any improvements with my daily symptoms after the laparoscopy. I know the pelvic cramping will diminish, which is rewarding in itself. But I can’t wait to determine if the endo has been bringing my GI pain as well. The New Year is upon me and this surgery will be a piece of cake…I hope. Cheers (non-alcoholic beverage kind of cheers), to feeling better!

Broken Record. I know..I know

I haven’t blogged in quite a while; mainly because I’ve been feeling better. Even though Crohn’s is on my mind daily, I try my best to move on with life. My focus was to not let it consume the lives of those around me – especially my fiancé (I know I say this a lot). I don’t want him feeling like he’s living with Crohn’s! It’s bad enough that he sits with me every 4-8 weeks for my Remicade infusion. I pass out, totally drugged on Benadryl; while he is wide awake observing all the IV patients. Not exactly the most pleasant way to spend your morning. But at least he gets to drink my apple juice and eat my free turkey sandwich. It’s really quite tasty! I sound like a broken record…..
This past month I’ve had a lot on my mind. I may not have every day jolts to the restroom, but I’m still experiencing medication side effects – this is generally why I’m reminded daily of having Crohn’s. So it seems like even if my colon is semi in remission, I will always be suffering with something else. It’s this awful chain reaction of side effects. It’s a coin toss really. One week I will experience bad headaches, another I will be a walking zombie because I’m so fatigued. Now between the medication side effects I still experience the encyclopedia symptoms of Crohn’s: stomach cramps, bloating, gas, constipation and exhaustion. However, I feel living a life with any kind of daily symptoms is annoying enough and hell. Now, does this mean that I need to get off ALL medication in order to feel normal? If I asked a doctor, the answer would be: no. I know that going untreated may result in more colon damage and inflammation. We’re supposed to trust in our doctors that they have weighed the benefits and risks of giving you these medications. However, they can’t predict how your body will react to them at any given moment.
I’ve been on the maximum dose of Imuran for a while now. Reading any literature on azathioprine is intense. I can’t focus on the positive, because all I see is Hepatosplenic T-Cell Lymphoma. As of 2011 the FDA is now updating the number of cases of IBD patients who have been affected. I’m just crossing my fingers it hasn’t increased. At the CCFA seminar, my Crohn’s doctor spoke about new upcoming treatments and current therapy. She believes that having someone on a TNF blocker and Imuran greatly helps the patient stay in remission. So clearly she believes that the benefits outweigh the risks. Personally, I’m on the fence. I trust and confide in my doctors. But they will never fully take away my fear. I would like to know the results of longevity taking these medications. It’s common for IBD patients to eventually need to switch medications. I haven’t heard of one Crohn’s patient being on the same medication since their diagnosis. So I want to know the reports on what happens to people taking these medications long-term. Are the ones developing liver toxicity and lymphoma ones who have been on the medication 10 plus years…or those 2-5 years? Or is there really no correlation between longevity and extreme side effects? I’m sure there are numerous articles out there about Imuran and TNF blockers. I won’t give up on my research. It just really feels like the people you should get the answers from (doctors) never really want to spend the time going through details.
Food for thought…chill pill Carly. So how about those baby wipes?????