Monday, November 11, 2013
Forever In Their Debt
I was hoping that by my next post I would have good news to report. I was hoping that it would be bragging on and on about the improvements I've had with my health. However, I've decided that I can't not write a post purely because things still aren't going well. It's been extremely rough, and some days seem worse than others. So much has been on my mind that I was finding it difficult to pick one topic. I think that in my conclusion it will be about being jobless, lacking independence, and never being able to pay people back for the great deeds they've done for me - but I must say that at times I know my words will go astray. I'm feeling down. I'm having daily, correction: hourly pain. I've been given another drug, with more side effects. I'm finding it almost impossible to still lose my prednisone weight; and the moment I saw "weight gain" as a new side effect, I broke down in tears. I'm wanting to give up on these daily battles. I'm finding it hard to find anything enjoyable in life these days. Day after day is more painful than before. Yet, I'm not someone who can give up easily even if I wanted to. I fear death in all honesty, and I WANT things to improve - even when life gives me lemons day to day….. I've been finding it painful to realize that my life now depends on other people. Back in January I had to leave my job because I was missing so much work. My FMLA leaves were piled high, and my income was amounting to nothing - I couldn't survive. My mother and stepfather were gracious enough to allow me to move in with them in Santa Fe, NM. I packed up my apartment in Florida and drove to New Mexico without looking back. They told me to focus on getting better, and not stress the expectations from society. It sounded calming. But why am I not feeling calm? Why is this bringing more stress upon me then ever before? It's because I feel alone. I feel like I've completely lost my independence. I can't pay for my own groceries, let alone a toothbrush. I'm grateful that my parents give me an income, and graciously give me the things I need and sometimes simply want. But I feel guilt. I will never be able to repay them. I probably will never be someone who makes millions of dollars. I'm not saying that I don't have the potential to do great things in life. That's not it at all. I just know that if my future continues down this path of chronic pain and disease, it will be nearly impossible. I don't want to be where I am at the moment, yet I can't make change happen. Change requires money in this world. Change requires planting yourself somewhere else and being able to eventually accommodate your living expenses. Hell, how can I see change in my future? It sounds so negative, right? Yes. I'm not wanting to be negative. I'm just being realistic. I can't afford Crohn's. I can't afford Fibromyalgia. I can't afford Endometriosis. I can't afford being sick. All I want is to be able to afford it all, on my own. It's so rotten how expensive my disease and medical care is. What would I do without family help? I'm close to 30, and I feel as though I've completely failed at life - the best years of my life that is. I know there's plenty of people out there who "know" someone with Crohn's who is working and doing just fine. I know that people would just tell me to suck it up and work hard like everyone else. Little do they know that I would give EVERYTHING just to work a 9-5, 6-3 - whatever hours - job again. I would give everything to walk the halls again of The Boca Raton Resort and Club - coordinating the beautiful events! All I want is to wake up and feel the energy of an every day person. I don't know if I made a mistake picking up and leaving my life in Florida? I do know that it's made me feel lost. Being sick comes with so much emotional baggage that it can be extremely overwhelming. I know there are many people out there, just like me, who feel like a child living in an adults body. I know that I will never be able to repay my family in love or money. I'm hoping that down the road I will get a break. Something's got to give, right? As for my family and their love, I will forever be in their debt.