Monday, September 30, 2013
Time to deal
It's been a challenge to begin a new blog entry. Part of me feels the depression of Crohn's had taken over my life, and I couldn't imagine writing a blog that was anything but negative. Who wants to hear someone bitch and complain for paragraphs on end? During this time, I've felt that no one would want to hear it. I mean, in the past I've told myself that these entries would be an outlet for ME. I shouldn't care what other people think, and I should't feel judged. Blogging allows a lot of freedom with writing. However, sometimes the dark days take over and all I worry about is what other people think; even though there are a select few who truly understand and care what I'm going through. I just know that the fastest way to lose friends is to get sick. I don't think that people intentionally disappear from your life. I just think that it's an uncomfortable subject. Most people are used to hearing about their friends relationship problems, or family issues. But most people don't know how to handle a friend whose life consists of bad days, doctors visits, and an immense amount of physical pain. They just simply don't know what to say to them. Plus, I imagine it's difficult to see your friend in a different state. I remember when I was extremely outgoing and energetic. I always wanted to be on the go. I know that person is still somewhere inside of me, but physically it's exhausting trying to be a fraction of that person. I know eventually my medical issues will settle and allow me to be myself again. Right now it's just not happening. No matter how hard I try. If it isn't Crohn's, it's something else. Since February I have been struggling with terrible joint pain. It's been so bad that it's debilitating. After seeing several specialists, even in different states, I've been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Some people may think it's an illness made up in someones head. But it is truly a real disorder and it's not fun. I've been working with doctors to be sure that it's something not relative to my Crohn's. It appears that it has accumulated over time and separate from my IBD. I guess I'm just one of those people who are lucky to have both. Aside from Crohn's symptoms affecting my life, Fibromyalgia has put a huge damper on my social life. The fatigue is endless, and the aching is constant. It's just easier to stay home. But now I have to deal. I have to deal with cards I've been given, once again. I have to deal with reality and not hide out from the world. I'm starting again on this blog in hopes that it will progress as I do with my life. I want to see improvement and changes in my life. I don't want to cast it aside and hide from everyone. I know there will be bad days, and plenty of days where I whine, whine, whine! But my hope is to have more of the positive days where I've defeated the obstacles.