Ch-Ch-Changes

Every morning my alarm clock goes off and I cringe. I wonder if the day will breeze by, or if I will struggle in pain. I tell myself that it's going to be a good day, and try not to obsess about the word remission. I remind myself of the things that make my life have importance. I have a wondrous fiance who is my rock. My family, whether near or far, are extremely supportive. My endearing mother does everything in her power to make my days better. Having this support system makes Crohn's a little easier.
So why do I often feel alone? Why do I want to vent about all the negativity of this disease? Well, for one, I believe that it's a way of not feeling alone. Also, I've realized how connecting with other IBD patients can bring me an energy of calmness. I'm not wanting this blog to be pessimistic. I want to be honest about the good, the bad and the ugly! If one person reads my blog and can relate, well that's enough for me.

Vent topic for today: change.
My latest struggle, like there isn't enough, is dealing with my new social life. I've always been an active person and immensely social. I would go to class all day, work in the evening, and still have time for friends. I can say with confidence that most of my friends will agree that I've always been an energetic person. Some may call me weird, funny, dotty, loving, and a real piece of work! Today I feel like I've lost my true character. I'm sure it's still under the surface waiting to erupt. Today if I had to replace the words to describe me, I would say I am: tired, grumpy, anxious, mad, and scared. Of course there are times where I'm able to laugh, have fun and be my old crazy self. I just feel that the new me is overpowering the old me. The good thing is that I can recognize that being a grouch is not my normal trait. I can hear my brothers voice right now saying, "Mmmhmm, yeah right!"

I know that several of these new traits are temporary and due to my medication. I won't even bring up Prednisone, because I'm sure EVERYONE is sick of me complaining about it. Anyway, I just am having a difficult time not being able to do what 20 somethings do. Now, I don't necessarily feel I need to go out and drink myself to stupidity. I just don't even have the energy to sit at a club or bar past 10p.m.. Who wants to be with someone who is falling asleep at a bar with ginger ale in their hand? I know there are other things to do besides "party." I just don't even have the energy to do sober, recreational activities. I get tired simply running three quick errands - sitting on my butt in the car! My fiance is always volunteering to be the driver. Probably because my patience is very minimal these days; I've developed extreme road rage. I think I should volunteer at a nursing home and do elderly activities. I probably have the same amount of energy as a 90 year-old (no disrespect to the elderly). Maybe then I won't feel so alone, or feel like I'm losing my friends.

A Glorious Day at the Nursing Home
ME: "Hey Gretchen, I really like what you've knitted today. I hope to see you later at the ice cream social."
GRETCHEN: "Same to you Carly. Thanks for playing penny bingo with us yesterday. You really know how to yell out the numbers! Oh, and thanks for bringing the sugar free candy."

So, I have to live with this temporary confinement. Become a content homebody. I have to convince myself that the old Carly will arise. Maybe I'll come back even crazier. Not as crazy as Charlie Sheen, but definitely nuttier than my previous persona. I will continue to take my Cimzia shots; instead of wanting to throw them out the window, or use them for a game of darts. I will also continue to embrace all the support surrounding me.

*I am lucky to have my fiance by my side. We're like two hobbits in the winter, and somehow it works. This man will fill my sitz bath AND keep my company. I have so much love for that Hungarian hunk of joy. He is the only one who deals with my multiple personalities on a daily basis. They are not always pretty. He never knows who's going go walk through the door!


Side note:
This thing has helped me tremendously with my fissures.